The catty gossip. The relentless bully. The slovenly slacker. Toxic employees come in an appalling array of annoying forms. They’re destructive, distracting and draining. They sap the energy of those around them, they cripple their coworkers’ morale, performance and productivity. Worse, they poison your entire business in the process.
Their fate hinges on how awful they are to work with, the damage they’ve already done and how willing they are to change for the better.
Before you decide if toxic employees should stay or go, or whether you should stay or go, it’s wise to consider the many ways you can coach underperforming or downright irritating employees to success. Not every laggard is a lost cause…..allot are but there are always those diamonds in the rough….
The path to success can be derailed by clashes with toxic people, and even if the clash isn’t disastrous or fully toxic, it can make your life very unpleasant. Everyone has a store of coping mechanisms that we resort to when we find ourselves in stressful situations. I normally cut the person off…I just don’t speak or deal with them anymore…I avoid…
Toxic people force us to fall back on our coping mechanisms. Some of us placate, others confront. Some balk, others become aggressive. When these first-response tactics don’t work, when a toxic person makes you tear your hair out in total frustration, you have to dig deeper into yourself and find a better strategy.
Most people are prisoners of inconsistency. Think about the most toxic person in your life and how you have reacted to them over time. You’ll probably find that you sometimes put up with them, sometimes try to get them to change, and other times simply want to stay away. In other words, three tactics have merged in a messy way. You wind up sending mixed messages, and that’s never effective. Yep…I am a messy….I always want to give a person a second chance before writing them off..but I need to start asking myself, “Can I change the situation?”
Can I change the situation? Not all toxic people are beyond change, even though they are stubborn and stuck in their behavior, but no one changes unless he or she wants to. Toxic people rarely want to. If you have a close rapport with the person, you might find a moment when you can sit down and have a candid discussion about the things that frustrate you. But be prepared with an exit strategy, because if your toxic person winds up resenting you for poking your nose where it doesn’t belong, trying to effect change can seriously backfire. Toxic people aren’t going to change just to make you feel better. The worst chance of getting someone else to change occurs when you’re so angry, frustrated, and fed up that you lose your composure and demand change.
Do I have to put up with it instead? When you can’t change a situation, only two options remain, either put up with it or walk away. I have often just walked away……Most of us aren’t very effective in getting someone else to change, so we adapt in various ways. We are experts at putting up with things. It’s a reasonable assumption that if you have toxic people in your life right now – and who doesn’t? – you’ve learned to adapt. The real question is whether you are coping in a healthy or unhealthy way. I normally fall into the unhealthy ways:
- I keep quiet and let them have their way. It’s not worth fighting over.
- I complain behind their backs.
- I shut down emotionally.
- I don’t say what I really mean half the time, for fear of getting into trouble or losing control.
- I subtly signal my disapproval.
- I engage in endless arguments that no one wins.
- I have symptoms of stress (headache, knots in the stomach, insomnia, depression, and anxiety) but have decided to grin and bear it.
- I know i want to get out of this situation, but I keep convincing myself that I have to stick it out.
- I indulge in fantasies of revenge.
If your approach contains too many unhealthy ingredients, you shouldn’t stick around. You’re just rationalizing a hopeless situation. Your relationship with your toxic person isn’t productive for either of you.
Should I just walk away? Toxic people generally wind up alone, embattled, and bitter. They create too much stress, and one by one, everyone in their lives walks away. But it can take an agonizingly long time to make this decision. The problem is attachment. Life isn’t meant to be clinically rational. Emotions are a rich part of our lives, and it’s mature to take the bitter with the sweet – up to a point. Too many people stick around when they shouldn’t. The point, in practical terms, is that you can’t wait until you’ve resolved all your issues with a toxic boss, colleague, or employee. Vacillation doesn’t make you a better or nicer person. You are treading water, hoping that the dreaded day will never come when you have to sever ties. The thought of separation causes you anxiety. But as anxious as you feel, sometimes a rupture is the healthiest thing you can do. If you know the toxic person isn’t going to change, and if you’ve examined the unhealthy and healthy choices involved in putting up with them, you have a good foundation for making the right choice: Do I stay or do I walk? I’m not promising that your decision will feel nice. It probably won’t. But it will be the right decision, the kind you will be able to look back on with a sigh of relief and recognition that moving on was healthy and productive.
“I work with and for people I really like.”
Love Vanessa 💜
being Vanessa 